Why women leave tech... because they have good taste

If I'm a woman in tech, I have bad taste and no self respect? That would get a nervous laugh, with the statement coming from a man to a woman who is regularly working in a hostile environment.

People seen as women are perceived differently than men for the same behaviours. Women who engage in the behaviours you note are called abrasive, bitchy, bossy, controlling: all gendered insults in the broader Western culture. What terms do we use to describe men who interrupt, who require people to prove competence, who dogpile criticism on ideas?

Funny you should mention those points. When I was writing this I started going into the whole "behavior done by men is 'assertive' and by women is 'bitchy' thing" but decided to keep the article short and more focused. I think women in tech that do put up with this horrible culture are heroes for doing so. Having a thick skin isn't easy. That said, I think we (men) should do our part to raise awareness of the bad behavior, socialize replacement behavior that is more positive, and take part in improving our industry.

I just attended my 50th high school reunion, and a 54th grade school reunion. I was surprised (but shouldn't have been) when three of the women in my grade school class wanted to get into careers in science, and were told by their guidance councellors that those were not suitable career choices for women. And the women believed this "expert advice". Fortunately, a couple other women ignored this cr*p, and did very well.

When I was a freshman at MIT, the ratio of men to women was about 10 to 1. Given the guidance councellor advice, that was pretty bold on the part of the women. The ratio now, I believe, is slightly in favor of women. But that took several decades. One can only hope that ability will be more important than gender in the future, both in industry and in councelling. But it might take some time.

I actually disagree with you fundamentally on the "help in the form of criticism" complaint.

When I go to my colleagues for advice, I want them to poke holes in my solution. I think fundamentally in terms of failures - what can go wrong with the systems I maintain, where are the weak points in this workflow/process, etc. When I present to my colleagues, I lead with what I think the positives are - while it may be nice for them to point out the benefits of the plan, I wouldn't be presenting the plan unless it had benefits. So I WANT them to poke holes in my work. I want to make sure that it's as rock solid as it can be, or that the possible failures are outweighed by the benefits.

Requiring them to stroke my ego isn't helpful to a stable environment.

Now, that all being said, I can see how that might grate on people, but we're in an industry whose entire purpose is ensuring uptime. I think it's an occupational hazard of being a sysadmin. I can't speak to development or other areas, but I think that it's an inherent requirement of systems administration.